Bringing self & community care into one room

We talk a lot about self-care and community care like they’re opposites. Either you go off and “work on yourself,” or you pour everything you’ve got into your people.

But what if those aren’t actually separate projects? What if caring for your relationship is community care, and what if the community your relationship needs is…other relationships?

I love traditional couples therapy. I’ll keep doing it. But there is something a room full of relationships can offer that even the best two-on-one work cannot. And for queer couples and polyamorous constellations, I think this kind of space can be especially sacred.

That’s why I created Together: an LGBTQIA+ Couples & Relationship Support Group. (Find all details at the end of this article.) 

So…what is a relationship group, practically?

I’ll gather up to six couples or triads to meet with me on a weekly basis.

Imagine you and your partner(s) gathered with other couples, and instead of getting stuck in your head comparing your relationship to theirs, there’s a licensed therapist in the room helping you learn from everyone’s strengths and stuck points.

A relationship group is like an adult classroom for building and sustaining loving partnership. I bring the framework and facilitation, but the people learning beside you are just as essential to the process as I am.

I’ll bring the structure…intentional check-ins, guided conversations, and exercises focused on things like communication, conflict, sex and intimacy, repair, and nervous-system coregulation. There are clear agreements around confidentiality, how we talk about partners (especially if you’re in a larger polycule), and how we’ll handle conflict if it arises.

Why learn love from other lovers?

We already know that learning in groups works. We go to school in classrooms, train on teams, and pick up social skills by watching our families, roommates, and co-workers. 

In groups, unique healing forces show up: the relief of realizing we’re not the only ones; the satisfaction of being able to support someone else; the kind of bonding that happens when people show up week after week, witnessing each other’s growth.

When you put relationships into that kind of container, something special tends to happen: 

First, your dynamics feel recognized. I watch couples come in convinced they are uniquely broken around sex, or conflict, or communication…and then see another couple describe almost the exact same cycle. The shame level drops.

Second, there’s modeling. When couples learn communication and conflict skills together, they’re more likely to see real, lasting shifts. Watching another couple try a hard conversation with vulnerability does something inside you that no worksheet ever could. You see what’s possible. You see what lands and what doesn’t. You notice where you tighten, where you soften, what you wish someone would say to you.

‍Finally, there’s a shared nervous system. Sitting in a circle of couples all working on their relationships, you’re not carrying your vulnerability alone. You’re surrounded by people who have also chosen to show up and feel a little awkward for the sake of their love. In that kind of environment, it tends to feel a little easier to take risks, to tolerate discomfort, and to integrate new ways of relating.

All of this is in addition to the fact that well-run group therapy consistently does just as well as individual therapy across many mental-health concerns…and sometimes better, because it uses the power of community to accelerate growth.

What it actually feels like from the inside

Couples entering spaces like this might bring a familiar set of fears…What if we’re judged? What if sharing our private stuff feels too exposing? What if we get lost in the group? What if other people’s issues make ours worse?

These are normal, understandable thoughts to have as you consider this kind of support.

It’s also understandable to arrive at the first session a little (or a lot) nervous. Maybe you’re mentally rehearsing what you might say, scanning the room, quietly comparing your relationship to everyone else’s.

And then someone says, “We had a fight in the car on the way here,” and another couple bursts out laughing because…same. A third person tears up as they talk about how scary it feels just to be in the room. Shoulders drop. People realize that we’re all here because our partnership matters enough to us that we’re willing to be vulnerable for it.

Over time, the energy in the room shifts. Couples start looking forward to seeing each other at our weekly time. They remember each other’s love stories. They notice and celebrate each other’s progress. They offer perspective when someone is stuck. They hold understanding when partners are in the thick of it.

Groups matter—especially for queer couples

Queer folks already know that most mainstream relationship advice was not written with us in mind. We live with varying degrees of minority stress: the layered strain of stigma, discrimination, and trying to build relationships inside systems that weren’t designed for us. Affirming therapy is one way to buffer that strain and support resilience.

Group spaces add another buffer. Being in a room with people who share parts of your identity and experience can act as a protective factor against anxiety and depression. It’s one thing to know in theory that there are other queer and trans couples navigating similar questions, but it's another to sit across from them, hear the tremble in their voices, and feel your own body exhale.

This group is not just about what we’re learning. It’s about co-creating the kind of space so many of us needed when we were younger, and gifting it to ourselves now.

The group I’m running is explicitly queer-and trans-celebratory, sex-neutral, kink-knowledgeable, and polyamory-affirming. Bring your pronouns, your pleasure, your complexity, your chosen family, your curvy timelines. That’s the whole point.

A final word

A relationship group asks you to do something countercultural and brave…to let your relationship be seen, not as a performance, but as a work in progress. To let other people’s breakthroughs nourish you, and to let your own healing be meaningful to someone else.

If part of you feels curious reading this, fill out the intake form below to be considered for the first round of Together: an LGBTQIA+ Couples & Relationship Support Group.

If you and your partner(s) decide to explore this, we’ll start with an intake so I can hear your story, make sure it feels like a good fit on all sides, and talk through what you’re hoping to get out of it. From there, if we all agree it’s a match, the group becomes a shared project, something we’re building and tending…together.

Intake Form: https://theexpansivegroup.typeform.com/to/EnIpCd7R

Dates: TBD

Pricing Structure: 

• Community care: employed full-time, access to healthcare, stable housing, access to savings, can take vacations, can go out for dinner a few times a month ($400/week) 
• Solidarity rate: employed full-time, access to healthcare, stable housing, access to savings ($300/week) 

Supported rate: Less than fully employed, struggle to access healthcare ($150/week)