“You can’t force a plant to bloom. It has a cycle. You have to tend it and care for it and wait for the bloom to happen. If you don’t take care of it, it dies. The more experiences you have like this, the more you begin to understand your own cycle.”

—Ruth Asawa

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“We want to have sex X times a week,” is something I hear all the time, especially during intakes with couples. 

If that’s you, no judgment! 

This is the cultural script most of us inherited about “healthy sexuality” in committed relationships: frequency should be consistent and predictable, and anything else means trouble. The problem isn’t you—it’s the script.

That script is a set‑up. When we’re told we’re “in deficit,” we’re more likely to panic‑spend on fixes to become “normal.” There’s nothing wrong with investing in your erotic life. But I want you to do it from a centered place with a framework grounded in compassion for yourself, your partner(s), and your relationship.

Why Quotas Around Sex Can Backfire

On the surface, a hard number (three times a week!) promises clarity and control. But sexuality isn’t an assembly line; it’s a living, relational system. Quotas tend to:

• Ignore context: Stress, sleep, relationship quality, medication, body image, and time scarcity all shape desire (among other things).
• Confuse output with intimacy: More isn’t automatically better; checking boxes can crowd out curiosity and play.‍
• Create pressure that backfires: Performance pressure is a brake on desire for many people.

In our productivity-obsessed culture, it can be really tempting to create boxes we need to check off.  But what if “how often” isn’t the most useful question? 

Research says a better question is, “What conditions help intimacy and desire happen for us?”

Sexuality as a Natural Cycle

Like nature, sexuality moves through seasons and cycles. There may be moments where we feel in full bloom, with access to play and higher sexual desire. There will almost certainly be other moments when care looks like investing in areas of life outside of sexuality.  For some people (e.g. ace folks), sexual desire just isn’t the way cravings for connection manifest at all!

No matter what kind of cycle or patterns your sexuality resembles, conceptualizing your relationship with sex as uniquely yours and (for many) variables over time can help you respond with compassion when frequency doesn’t look the way you were taught it should.

We can look to nature for wisdom here. Imagine telling a flower, “You must bloom the same amount every week of the year.” Blooming requires dormancy. Roots need darkness, water, and time. Our erotic lives do, too.

If you’re reading this as someone with a pretty consistent sex drive (or as someone who’s asexual), there are examples of consistency in nature too! Consider climates with similar weather year round, or resilient plants that know how to maintain stability despite changing climates.  I encourage you to do some digging to find a metaphor in nature that speaks to you!

Embrace Care–Even When You’re not in Bloom

A plant that is not currently in bloom still needs and deserves tending. Likewise, during periods of sexual slowness, you and your relationship still deserve care. 

That care might look like:

• Sensual, not sexual, connection: unhurried cuddling, massage, showering together, breath syncing, eye gazing.
• Relational micro‑repair: addressing lingering hurts; reducing invisible labor; re‑balancing responsibilities.
• Body care: sleep, nourishment, movement, or medical support.
• Play without pressure: flirting, sharing fantasies, learning new skills together.

Tending the soil during winter often makes a bloom more likely if that’s a shift you’re desiring—not because you forced it, but because you nourished it.

Replace Quotes with Context Goals

Instead of going for sex X times a week, try goals that shape the conditions where desire and connection can blossom. Here’s a research‑informed way to do that:

• 1. Identify your accelerators and brakes.
  
  • Accelerators (turn‑ons/green lights): time without interruptions, feeling appreciated, novelty, playful initiation.
  • Brakes (turn‑offs/red lights): stress, pain, fatigue, unresolved conflict, pressure to “perform.”
    
• 2. Use approach motives.
  Aim toward what you want to feel (close, playful, attentive), not what you’re trying to avoid (“let’s have sex so we don’t fight”). Approach‑oriented goals predict better outcomes than avoidance‑driven ones.
  
• 3. Create “protected connection windows,” not mandatory sex nights.
  Put gentle containers on the calendar for intimacy of some kind. Success is showing up with presence and consent, not checking a specific sexual box.
  

• 4. Measure what matters.
  Track quality—felt safety, fun, afterglow, repair—not just frequency. If frequency matters to you, let it be a result of good conditions, not the “key performance indicator” that drives everything.
  

Intimacy Check-In: What Season of Desire are You In?

With a partner or with your journal, move through the following prompts to find new language and opportunities for shared intimacy:

• Step 1:  Name your season
  
  • “I feel like a cactus that’s been sitting in the desert for 6 months.”
  •  “I’m a pothos in late winter—tired and tender.”
  •  “I’m a tulip in spring—curious and playful.”
• Step 2:  Use your metaphor to explore how your sexuality is interacting with your partners’
  
  • For example, if you’re a blossoming poppy and they’re a chilly fall day, how can you utilize that metaphor to explore how intimacy is feeling between the two of you right now?  
• Step 3:  Use your metaphor to identify what each (or both/all) of you might need
  
  • What helps a poppy thrive on a chilly day? (Sunlight = compliments; wind block = earlier bedtime; soil nutrients = help with logistics.)
  • If you’re finding yourself in a sexual winter wishing for summer, ask: What would help you thaw?
  • What do each of you need from yourself, one another, and community to attend to your differences?

Using metaphors can help keep the tone of these conversations curious, collaborative and playful!  And, looking to nature offers new possibilities for finding solutions.

Bring in Support

This is what sex therapists are for! If you’re experiencing distress about frequency, questions about desire, or conflict about your differences, check out Our Care Team for support.

Trying to have sex three times a week treats intimacy like a quota. Your erotic life isn’t a spreadsheet; it’s an ecosystem. When you tend the soil—lower the brakes, raise your accelerators, choose approach‑oriented, compassionate goals, and honor the season you’re in—connection gets richer. 

Sometimes desire blossoms into sex. Sometimes intimacy looks like warmth, rest, or repair. All of it “counts,” because the point isn’t to meet a number, it’s to keep coming back together.

Picture Credit: Platonic