The Fork in the Road

You know the moment I’m talking about.

That instant in a disagreement when you feel yourself tip. Your jaw tightens. Your voice sharpens. Your brain starts racing, searching for the thing to say that will make your partner just finally listen to you.

It’s that all too familiar decision point, wherein one road leads to protecting your point, and the other leads to protecting your connection. The choice sounds simple, but anyone who’s been here knows there’s nothing simple about it. That’s because choosing the road that protects your relationship requires a skill that very few of us learned how to self-initiate growing up: a long, intentional pause.

Why 10 Minutes Makes All The Difference

When you’re triggered, even by the threat of being embarrassed or misunderstood, your body may respond as if you’re in real danger. The amygdala (your brain’s alarm system) flips on, often leading to a fight-or-flight response.

In that state, you’re more likely to:

• Interpret your partner’s neutral tone or body language as hostile
• Get defensive
• Escalate your tone or the extremity of your language
• Interrupt
• Say things you don’t actually mean

The good news? For most people, 5–20 minutes is enough for the nervous system to downshift — especially if you actively help it along. After just a few minutes, your prefrontal cortex comes back online. That’s the part of your brain that can empathize, problem-solve, and remember that you actually love this person you’re talking to.  

10 minutes can move you from opponents to teammates. This isn’t avoidance; it’s strategic pausing so you can re-enter the conversation in a way that aligns with your values.

Getting to Know Your Emotional Arc

To take that pause, you have to notice when you’re at the fork in the road.

Pay attention to your tells:

• Body cues: clenched jaw, flushed face, chest tightness, shallow breath, pounding heart
• Mind cues: rapid-fire thoughts, urge to “win,” catastrophizing, black-and-white thinking
• Behavior cues: raising your voice, sarcasm, shutting down, criticizing, blaming

These are signals from your nervous system letting you know, “I don’t feel safe right now.”  Everyone’s body is different, so as you practice this skill, pay attention to your personal emotional arc. Some people need two minutes, others need an hour. Some people need full space, others can close their eyes and take a deep breath.

It can help to make a list of these signs for yourself and share it with your partner(s) so you can both spot when a pause might help.

How to Ask for Space without Making it Worse

Taking space works best when it’s paired with reassurance. Otherwise, it can feel like rejection or punishment, even when it’s not intended that way.

Here are a few specific tips:

• Use I statements :“I’m feeling overwhelmed and need 10 minutes,” instead of you statements: “You’re making me need space.”.
• Pair the request with reassurance: “I want to come back to this once I can be present with you.”
• Offer a concrete time frame: “Can we pick this up in 15 minutes?”
• Take responsibility for re-initiating: “I’ll come back and get you when I’m ready.”
• Negotiate, if you feel open to it: “How does that sound?  What do you need in order for that to feel okay for you?”
• Connect the space to care:“I want to take some time so I can show up in a way that’s loving.”

If you are someone who struggles when your partner asks for space, remember that their need for a pause isn’t a rejection of you. Taking space can actually create the clarity and calm needed for a healthier resolution. It’s not avoidance or a threat — it’s a way to care for the relationship so you can both come back to the conversation feeling grounded.

I highly recommend talking about how to take space lovingly when you and your partner(s) are feeling connected, perhaps even selecting a code word to use in the heat of the moment to signal when space is needed.

How to Spend Your 10 Minutes

While it can feel tempting to spend your time apart rehearsing what you want to say next, thinking about the argument can keep your body in high alert.  Instead, try the following:

• Distract yourself with something totally unrelated to the argument.  Put on an audiobook, take a walk and notice the trees, eat a snack, take a shower.
• Stay present with your body.  Take a few deep breaths, shake out your arms and legs, stretch, splash your face with cold water, listen to calming music.
• Get support from someone who knows you well.  Call a friend who knows what you’re like during conflict, and who can lend you their prefrontal cortex.

Finally, evaluate if 10 minutes is enough.  Sometimes, you need a few days before returning to a big conversation - that’s okay.  Just reference the communication guide above to support yourself and your partner through an extended period of pause.

Circling Back with Care

I tend to recommend that whichever person initiated the pause also be the one to reinitiate the connection. This can help with any sense of abandonment anxiety that is arising in the partner who is holding space for that pause.

After you’ve taken your long(ish) pause, know that you don’t have to pick up the conversation right where you left off. In fact, backtracking, asking questions or saying something differently can be really powerful ways to show care.

Here are a few prompts for restarting the conversation:

• “Thanks for giving me that time — I feel more ready to listen.”
• “I want to try this again, but be more on your team this time.”
• “Can we try again now?”

This small ritual of re-entry helps repair any rupture the pause might have caused, and reinforces trust that you will indeed come back.

Taking 10 Minutes: Reminders 

Read through this quick reminder list so that next time you take 10 minutes, you can use it to support both yourself and your partner in finding a healthier resolution:

• Notice your signs: make a personal list of body, mind, and behavior cues (e.g., clenched jaw, racing thoughts, sarcasm).
• Share your list: let your partner(s) know your cues so you can both spot when a pause is needed.
• Set a code word: agree on a signal to use in the heat of the moment.
• Ask clearly: use “I” statements like “I’m feeling overwhelmed and need 10 minutes.”
• Reassure: let your partner know you’ll come back when you can be present.
• Re-initiate: whoever asked for the pause should be the one to reconnect.

The Long-Term Payoff

As you face this fork in the road again and again and learn to take the road to connection, you will likely find yourself on a journey that leads to greater stability in your relationships.

Taking 10 can:

• Reduce the number of regrettable fights
• Increase your chances of solving the actual problem instead of trading blame
• Strengthen secure attachment by showing emotional self-responsibility
• Teach each other that conflict doesn’t have to come at the cost of connection
• Help you build resilience around unsolvable problems
• Build trust around the ebb and flow of time spent together

Waiting 10 minutes isn’t about delaying resolution — it’s about protecting the possibility of resolution altogether.  

Picture Credit: The Hunting Wives