Last fall, I fell for someone who lived on the other side of the country. For months, our relationship felt like a series of passionate hellos and melancholy goodbyes. As two anxious-leaning queers, we talked endlessly about these moments. When we were apart, we fantasized about our next reunion; when we were together, we dreaded the hour we’d be separated again.

The truth is, every relationship is a series of hellos and goodbyes—whether you’re long-distance lovers, sharing a home, or forging a new friendship. These rituals of coming together and then parting again can reveal deep truths about how we attach, how we seek connection, and how we soothe ourselves during separation.

‍

The Origins of Your Attachment Patterns

We encountered our first separation the day we were no longer nestled safely in our parent’s womb. At the same time, we experienced a greeting that would change our lives forever: the meeting between us and our early caregiver(s). From that day forward, our lives have been a series of separations and reunions with the people we care about.

Depending on how those hellos and goodbyes went growing up, we may have a more or less fraught relationship with these rituals as adults. You may not have connected the dots between the peck you give your partner when they get home from work and your experience with car pool after eighth grade, but your body certainly has.

Take a few minutes to move through these eight questions in order to help jog your memory around what goodbyes and hellos felt like growing up:

• When you felt sick at school, did you feel confident someone who loved you would come pick you up?
• Were your caregivers typically on time to get you after school?
• When you got home after school, who was home with you?  
• Did you ever say goodbye only to not see your caregiver again (due to death, separation, etc.?)
• Did you often arrive home to an empty or chaotic house?
• Did you generally feel that your caregivers were excited to see you after being apart?
• Do you have an early memory of what it felt like to be dropped off at school?
• If you experienced anxiety about being separated from a caregiver (at school, a sleepover, etc.), how did your caregivers respond to that?

For a variety of personal, cultural, and systemic reasons, we all have likely had at least one notable, less-than-ideal experience of separation or reunion while growing up. Our memories of these moments can tell us something about how we seek connection, feel safe, and reduce our own distress during time apart as adults.

‍

A Strange Situation Experiment

In a groundbreaking study now widely referred to as the “Strange Situation” experiment, psychologist Mary Ainsworth studied hellos and goodbyes between caregivers and their children to identify different patterns of attachment.  

She watched how infants dealt with separations and reunions with their caregivers, and learned that an infant’s response during these moments was indicative of how secure (or insecure) they felt in the relationship. Infants with a more secure attachment were upset by a parent’s departure but bounced back quickly when the parent returned. Infants with insecure attachment styles—avoidant, ambivalent, or disorganized—showed more distress, less relief, or confusing reactions upon reunion.

Fast-forward to adulthood. If we feel confident in our partner’s care, we tend to handle short separations calmly and react with warmth when we see them again. But if we’re uncertain of our self-worth or uneasy about the relationship, greetings and farewells can become anxious, avoidant, or loaded with mixed signals.

‍

Why Hellos and Goodbyes Trigger Conflict

These heightened feelings are why conflicts often pop up at the very start or end of our time together. Even neutral gestures can be misread as a lack of love or interest when our attachment sensitivities are activated.

For those of us with histories of emotional or physical abandonment, saying goodbye can feel like reliving past fears:

• “Will they come back?”
• “Will they miss me like I miss them?”
• “Did that goodbye feel as sad to them as it did to me?”

Conversely, abandonment fears might lead some of us to downplay goodbyes altogether, which can leave our partners feeling unimportant. 

Hellos can be just as fraught—an anxious partner may interpret a lukewarm greeting as rejection, while an avoidant partner may feel pressured to meet a partner’s needs during a reunion with little or no regard for their own.  These are just some of the ways old wounds might get triggered in moments of separation and reunion in adulthood.

‍

Turning Patterns into Rituals: Practical Takeaways

By transforming unconscious patterns into intentional rituals, we can reduce conflict, nurture security, and create more affirming transitions. Below are some concrete strategies to help ensure each parting and reunion becomes an opportunity for deeper connection, rather than a point of tension.

‍

Ask Specific Questions

Direct conversation about preferences, triggers, and comfort levels opens the door to empathy and better understanding.

• How did your family of origin say hello/goodbye?
• Is there anything you tend to find triggering during our transitions?
• How can we collaborate when you need _____ and I need _____?

‍

Create a Longer Runway

When major separations loom, it helps to plan ahead so both partners feel considered and emotionally prepared. How can you set yourself up such that you’re not rushing through tender moments?

‍

Make Your Needs Known

If we communicate our needs, greetings and goodbyes can actually help us create containers for emotional safety. Tell your partner(s) what helps you feel loved and safe when saying hello or goodbye. If you need a tighter hug, a moment of eye contact, or a few extra minutes to chat before parting, communicate it.

‍

Goodbye Aftercare

Some goodbyes are more emotionally charged than others (e.g. after a fight, before a long time apart, if you’re polyamorous and your partner is headed to a date). Checking in via text or call soon after can help ground both parties and reaffirm closeness.

‍

Create a Solo Self-Soothing Ritual

Whether it’s a calming breath, journaling, or playing your favorite song, having a personal ritual can ease the transition and center you in your own sense of security whether or not your partner(s) is available for support.

Hellos and goodbyes might seem mundane, but they’re brimming with cues about our needs and desires. Recognizing your own tendencies—and honoring a loved one’s—can transform these everyday transitions into opportunities for deeper connection. Whether you’re anxious, avoidant, secure, or somewhere in between, remember that the goal isn’t to stop feeling; it’s to develop trust that your bond persists through each arrival and departure.

‍

Photo Credit: Grey’s Anatomy