Any queer person who has ever exchanged coming out stories on a first date knows the power of shared experience.  Queer culture is such that finding common ground in new relationships is usually fairly accessible; just talk about your astrological big 3, your latest tattoo, or (let’s be real) your trauma, and you’re sure to find at least one point of connection.

This ease of connection–the kind that leads to emotional or literal u-hauling–is both a queer super power and potential road block when it comes to cultivating long-term intimacy.  We queers may face some added challenges on our journey from new relationship energy to long-term commitment as we face the reality that, same carhartts aside, our partners are unequivocally different from us.

The Fantasy of Sameness

Odds are, you’ve experienced at least a moment of wishing that your partner(s) was a little bit more like you.  Maybe you’ve wished for them to match your night owl energy, or hoped they’d show up on time like you do, or dreamed that their sex drive would magically match your own.

Welcome to being human.

This desire to be mirrored often originates from childhood experiences, when receiving consistent validation from caregivers was essential. Although this mirroring was crucial during early development, carrying these expectations into adulthood often leads to disappointment and relational strain.

Couples who expect perfect mirroring tend to experience more dissatisfaction compared to those who acknowledge and embrace their fundamental differences.

So how do we resist the queer urge to merge?

Grieve Your Projections

The first step is grieving the fantasy that our life will fit seamlessly with our partner’s.  Especially as we move into our late twenties, early thirties, and beyond, each partner brings to the table a set of routines, cultural practices, and core values that will be important for them to figure out how to integrate into the relationship. Moments of tension and conflict that highlight your differences are an essential part of this process.

Demanding sameness is the sign of insecure attachment; if you notice a tendency to control your partner towards sameness, you’ve likely located a part of yourself that is afraid of loss. 

Tend to that part gently and curiously: 

• What threat does the difference at hand represent?
• How did your family of origin confront differences?  
• When you and a caregiver experienced a disagreement, who was responsible for conforming/changing?
• In what ways were you different from your peers or wider community growing up, and how did that go for you?
• Did you grow up in a religious setting wherein questions or disagreements were perceived as a threat to those in power?

Securely attached partners tolerate differences with more ease because their fundamental relational security isn’t threatened by disagreement.  They have had experiences of difference wherein they were still loved, seen and desired.  For folks who have had the opportunity to cultivate secure attachment, disagreement doesn’t mean “I am bad” or “you are bad”.  It doesn’t mean “change or I’m leaving”.  It simply means that some work will be required to hold the nuance of humans being humans.

The more you allow yourself to process previous experiences of difference, the more you can relinquish your projections of past onto present, and the clearer your path to seeing your partner as a distinct, autonomous person who is choosing you rather than completing you.

Foster Appreciation

Once we’ve grieved that we can’t absorb our partners through osmosis, we will likely find that we have more space for curiosity - even gratitude.  Relationships that work in the long-term tend to consist of partners who consistently appreciate their differences rather than merely seeking commonality.

While familiarity fosters comfort, sameness can actually reduce desire. Esther Perel’s work highlights how eroticism flourishes in spaces of difference and uncertainty rather than in total familiarity, thus keeping desire alive by maintaining individuality and distinctiveness.  When partners intentionally maintain their individual interests and friendships, they are more likely to experience desire for one another.

Embracing otherness means intentionally recognizing, respecting, and valuing your partner’s fundamental uniqueness and autonomy. Long-term intimacy thrives not on merging identities, but on skillfully navigating differences.

The next time you notice a difference that feels activating, try approaching it with curiosity about your partner’s inner world.  Ask:

• What is something important to you that you worry might be hard for me to accept?
• When have you felt most seen or appreciated for your differences, either by me or someone else?
• In what ways do our differences complement each other, making our relationship stronger?
• What aspect of your individuality do you want to protect and cultivate within our relationship?

Difference as Resilience

Like most relational practices, embracing otherness at home can help you regulate and show up in a values-aligned way when you encounter differences in your wider community.  Your differences can become a source of resilience if you can learn to approach them as opportunities to care and grow.

Photo Credit: The Queer Ultimatum