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It's hard to say what we want during sex, but let's try.

If you felt comfortable advocating for yourself, would your experience of sex change?

It is common to feel uncomfortable when advocating our sexual preferences. Here are some tips I've found helpful to become more confident.


When asked about their sexual desires and boundaries, a number of my clients respond, “if my partner(s) is happy, I’m happy.” While generosity is typically a welcome quality in the bedroom, this approach can sometimes be indicative of people pleasing behaviors that actually get in the way of intimacy.

So many of us were taught that self-advocacy—during sex or otherwise—makes us inconvenient and needy. We learn to shapeshift in order to avoid the possibility that our desires will make someone mad or lead to rejection. Sometimes we do this so often for so long that we lose connection with the part of ourselves that has opinions, preferences, and dreams.

If you allowed yourself to dream, what kind of sex would you dream about? Is it more, less, different? If there were no consequences to the question, What do you want,”—no judgment, punishment or offense—what would you say?  

Click to download our workbook all about advocating for your needs and discovering your desires in the bedroom!